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Moving on

Written by Huib, published Friday August 10th, 2018

Transformation may be the process that is hardest to describe. Especially when it’s actually happening. For some people it may take years or even decades, to have enough calmness and distance to really appreciate where they came from, what actually happened on the turning point and where that took them on their life path. I’d like to share something about the current turning point in my life and give those who wonder how I’m doing, a rather simple message: “I’m doing fine, cleaning up house and enjoying summer”. And to quote a well-known pleonasm:

“The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly.” Richard Bach – Illusions; adventures of a Reluctant Messiah


In the process of writing a new autobiographic Trilogy (in five parts) called ‘Beautiful Things’, I had to calculate how many times I could or should actually have died during my life. I stopped at twelve times, because my kittens became jealous and started to attack my big toe. I put only two of these incidences in the chapter about my own adventures with Lyme disease in ‘Shifting the Lyme Paradigm’, because I estimated the full story would be an overload for the average reader and thus distract from the purpose of that specific book. People like to be able to somehow emotionally relate to the source of the information and may discard the content, if they cannot. 

Dying, or rather ‘feeling like dying’, is a vital part of transformation process. And transformation is something else entirely than ‘change’ or ‘progress’. To me, Marjorie Tietjen gave a beautiful description of how a ‘problem’ such as Lyme can bring as a hidden gift in such a process, in the article she wrote for the On Lyme website in 2015. 

Frankly, I believe that what we call ‘death’ is also just another transformation; in this case from the physical or material to the non-physical or etheric. Death is not such a big deal to me as it’s made out to be. During the recent ILADS conference in Warschau I was interviewed by a US film crew and ended my story with my personal belief that ‘life’ on Earth is basically a 3D virtual computer game called ‘Consciousness’ – with seven billion players – and that I’m happy to be playing that game with everything I have available. Including capabilities or simply the courage to express things that seem to scare people, because they reflect the parts within themselves that they are afraid of. And to be really able to play the game of Life with passion, we need to believe that it is really real, that ‘pain’ actually exists in reality and that death means ‘game over’, don’t we? 


I don’t know about your life, but mine runs in cycles. The crash in 2010 – when I became manic because of a dangerous chemical experiment of a psychologist pretending to ‘help me’ with a fire trauma, blew up my old lucrative career, nearly went bankrupt because of my first Lyme project, had a severe leg injury nearly ending in amputation, saw my future wife disappear and had to take care for a young puppy dog with a cripple leg and without income – happened when I was 39,5 years old.

This is the exact time that the midlife crisis is supposed to happen, according to Solar astrology. In both Astrology systems I’m located in Water signs and water never moves straight. These cycles have happened before, often as bizarre domino / Murphy Law type of crashes in all the structures in my life simultaneously, and they will surely happen again. That is how we learn whatever it is we want to learn, while our minds (or ego’s) scream out we REALLY did not order this shit on the menu!

To me as the architect of my own unpredictable yet rather adventurous life, the main difference is that I go through these cycles differently, each time a little or much more fluently. Four years ago I was vomiting blood and now I just have some lower back pain. By now I am also completely sure that my Soul has an incredible sense of humor, which I increasingly start to appreciate. Fortunately I am well trained on many levels to go through these transformational processes and struggling less and less as the whirling pools ‘drown’ me. In order to transform one does need to ‘die’ and be reborn. I never saw any butterfly still being half a caterpillar. I also never encountered an emotion dissolving itself by talking about it, analysing it, judging it or labeling it as a ‘disorder’.


“Perspective – Use it or Lose it. If you turned to this page, you’re forgetting that what is going on around you is not reality. Think about that. Remember where you came from, where you’re going, and why you created the mess you got yourself into in the first place. You’re going to die a horrible death, remember. It’s all good training, and you’ll enjoy it more if you keep the facts in mind. Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on your way to your execution is not generally understood by less-advanced life forms, and they’ll call you crazy.” Illusions; adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

As a social psychologist it has been rather amusing and mildly interesting to have seen the wide variety of labels that people felt they had to stick on me and the ways they have tried to attack me. How also my biggest ‘fans’ could suddenly turn into my fiercest ‘enemies’ for no apparent reason at all; making fools of themselves in the process. Both ends of the scale (‘hero, saviour, my Twin Soul, brilliant, etc’ to ‘asshole, arrogant dickhead, dangerous, narcissist, stalker, etc’) have actually nothing to do with me, but rather seem to be projections, for which I happen to be the perfect projection screen. Only my friends (not to be confused with contact lists on Asocial Media) can see ‘me’ and I’m glad to be blessed with many friendships.

The only real use of these daily attacks was to check my own weak spots within me and to toy with the attackers on Facebook, for educational and amusement purposes, where my friend Igor branded me as ‘Bullshit Artist’. Ever since he gave me that semantic gift, I’ve had no lack of material to create Art. After reading descriptions of the Lakota Shaman archetype called ‘Heyoka’ or Sacred Clown, some two years ago, I understood the bizarre and often polarised reactions to me somewhat more and toyed with them more joyfully. I simply don’t react how people want me to and they will try and ‘punish me’ for it. Well, good luck with that, to the ‘lesser evolved lifeforms’.

Those following me on Facebook know how I have toyed with the crap thrown at me, including smear attacks on my reputation or character. I simply confirm the crap, amplify it and reverse the energy. Some of my actual friends look on my page as a passtime, amazed at the vileness of the projections and amused with my ‘court jester / virtual aikido’ dance with them. Yet my free ‘personal offence office’ on Facebook is closed now, as I have other things to do and people become so predictable it becomes rather boring. If people still want me to offend them publicly, they will need to pay my old fee – upfront.

Moving on

I don’t pretend to be a man of the people. But I do try to be a man for the people.” Roman Senator Gracchus in ‘Gladiator’

After me leaving the Ad Hoc team (an Ad Hoc team is always temporary) on Friday the thirteenth of July, after achieving everything and even more than what we set out to do in 2016 including changing the ICD11 Lyme codes for 150 countries, I am closing this chapter and continue with the book called ‘my life’. The way I left however, somehow reminded me of a soccer championship game I once played. 

When I was 14, I scored the only goal in that game; kind of by accident as the last defender. Hurray. Yet when my team celebrated our victory, I was in the hospital with a wrecked knee. The last thing I remember of that game was my own surprise of why the keeper completely ignored the ball that went straight underneath him, while focusing his karate kick straight at my knee. 

But it does not matter that much to me in the current situation, as lately I’ve been filled with a sense of joy and gratitude, with which spiritual books are filled yet is new to me to experience without a ‘reason’ (and despite the many recent incidences that most will label as ‘negative’, mostly coming from people wearing the same ‘shirt’). The catalyst for this process was the illness and death of my dog Mats, last January, which evoked a flood of tears that became a cleansing process for 48 years of pent-up sadness – partly not even my own. Water needs to flow, I’ve discovered. If that happens, even the vindictiveness of certain frustrated women who discover too late they actually wanted to have their own babies to project their ‘motherly concerns’ onto – eloquently depicted in the 1697 play ‘The Mourning Bride’ by William Congreve as “Heav’n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn’d” – is helpful to move on. They can call themselves whatever the like – ‘Queen Bee’, ‘Mama Bear’ or even ‘Mother of all’ – to me they’re just sad specimen worthy of the Darwin Awards, trying to counterbalance their lack of self worth by using ‘poor others to save’.

For those readers who worry that I will now ‘drop Lyme’: it is simply not in my character to throw away what I created nor to give up – regardless of what life throws at me as challenges. Yet I will change direction and will move further away from both the disease itself as well as much further from the groups of ‘sufferers’, as their paranoia, aggressiveness and vindictiveness towards me has become fit for a nomination in the Guiness Book of Records. As a social psychologist, again, I may have found this all very interesting to study if I would have the ambition to get a Ph.D degree. Yet I actually do have a life and something better to do with it – without any ambition to become a public ‘hero’ such as other ‘philanthropists’ who are simply creating a profitable tax cut constructions for themselves to profit some more off the misery and death of others. I’m not smart enough to do that. [as in: ‘Specific Measurable Acceptable, Relevant and Time-bound’]

So during this summer of 2018 I will take time to reflect, after dedicating eight years of my life to ‘Lyme’ without being ill myself (regardless of how many people keep claiming that I am a ‘patient’) and making the sacrifices needed to do so with integrity. As a symbolic example: last week I have bought new clothes for the first time in these eight years, while in contrast I made 600 dollar an hour before 2010. It has actually been worth it, for me at least. And buying the clothes felt great, also thanks to my Patrons and my dear friend C who gave me her belated March birthday present. 

I plan to take until October to reflect, assess and decide on a new course. To free my time to write seven books in paralel, including one about Lyme. If you feel I deserve this ‘Sabbatical Break’ after this period of unpaid work for many and are as curious as I am where I will go next with my ‘pathfinding’, you can express your gratitude as a financial monthly contribution to my Patreon Campaign. Which will also also be reshaped according to my new evolving future course.

In closing

One of my business clients once called me a ‘Senior Insultant’, with a broad grin. Real learning is mostly not achieved in ‘nice’ ways, as many elderly people will testify to, if they did learn something from living. I’ve been applying the same skills that once got me the position of ‘best European business educator’ in Lyme Lands. Of course, this style of teaching is generally not much appreciated. Yet it does work.  Still, I’d rather talk with people than smacking them around the head in order to ‘snap out of it’, like one does with dogs with a tantrum. Humanity does not seem to be very ready for proper conversations yet, as it likes its drama too muchOr humans simply take much more time than dogs to come to their senses, as they’re so attached to ‘being right’.

On March 8, 2018 Angeline Fermin mailed me to thank me, for basically (virtually) breaking her nose to teach her something and to invite me to her funeral. It was the last thing she did in her life, as she died an hour later. The summary of her long mail to me is this: “I have deep respect for what you do and I want to thank you for pulling me out of my comfort zone. It was painful, but without you I would never have dared to do what I did later [featuring in the new movie SOS Lyme]. I’m sorry that your dear dog Mats died. The way you took care of her shows that you have a very good heart and the courage to go against the grain.”

I was silent for hours, realising that she had chosen to write this to me as her last act in her ‘video game’ called life. Her daughter later told me that Angelina never read my reply to her request. Of course I was at her funeral, walking behind her coffin with her two dogs. 

To get back to the topic of this article: nobody can force transformation to happen, neither for others nor for ourselves. You can however chose to resist the process or to relax into it. How? Simply by enjoying life and the sense of humor of your own Soul who did order ‘stuff’ on the menu, by putting joy into life – both for yourself and others. That sometimes means absorbing a kick on the knee and simply choosing whether to retaliate or conduct yourself differently than your ‘opponent’. Or appreciating your dog’s beautiful farewell present for what it is and simply letting your tears flow. 

I know my own choices. Hopefully this article was inspiring to you. If not, enjoy the drama. 

Cheers and enjoy your summer,

Huib (no titles or other Bullshit needed this time)

drs. Huib Kraaijeveld

In: Blog Philosophy Inspiration Lyme Nonsense Social

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